let it all out

hey guys!

So i am totally over EVERYTHING.
LIKE OMG
no joke, i fuckin hate everything~

i dont know why i have so much rage. maybe i should get some therapy.

so heres whats been goin on since febuary

• ended a 10+ year friendship over something that couldve been worked out easily had there had been communication
• my dog max started having moderate seizures 
• found out max has a slew of problems due to age and breed:
• enlarged heart
• lung infection
• fluid in the lungs
• fluid in the abdominal cavity
• leaky lower heart valve
• whipworms

idunno how the fuck he got worm, but yeah...basically my 13yo chow/Shepard mix has

Congestive Heart Failure

The seizures were due to the fact that he wasnt getting enough oxygen to the brain. and the fluid in his lungs and abdominal cavities was due to his leaky valve. and hes become anemic due to the worms.

 Luckily! he has a very good vet, who flew in a specialist (i know right a dog heart specialist dafuq?!~i aint mad tho) to treat my dog. So he is on a slew of medicine to fight off the infection(s), a dewormer to get his red blood cell count back up and a VERY expensive heart medicine to constrict the leaky valve and hopefully get upto 20% of that blood that wasnt pumping, back into his body where he needs it.

So hopefully my dog is gonna be ok. His eyes are still bright, his tails still wagging and he still follows me around like my shadow, so as long as his quality of life is still good, i refuse to give up on my dog.

and as for the ending of the friendship, it really couldve been avoided with proper communication.

BACKSTORY: 

The past year or so we've both been busy, so we never got to hang out, all of our communication was via social media, texts or phone calls. from last fall to the beginning of this summer or so we hadnt been talking as much...actually not at all. I had tried calling and texting her only to receive no response. I wasnt too happy about this obviously but i let it go thinkin maybe she was just busy with school or work or just life in general.

 early may, i receive a message on facebook from my friend saying that she had something to tell me and that she didnt know exact;y how to say it and that she hoped i wouldnt be mad.

and she proceeds to tell me that she thinks that i have a drug addiction and an alcohol problem on top of that.

um...no?

Allow me to elaborate:

I work at a bar, of course i drink. I used to drink QUITE a bit, not BLACKOUT EVERY NIGHT or anything,  but yes i was inebriated by the time i got home maybe 4-5 nights a week (also, i dont drive so dont think i was drinking and driving :p) and on a few occasions yes i did get blackout drunk. however, i always got myself home safe and was never a danger to myself or others.

and as for my drug consumption, i take adderall and xanax..not at the same time obviously, and i took at most 5 adderall and 6 xanax a month. i also do other drugs but nothing like meth or bath salts.

Man, drug addicts these days are LAME~

clearly i am not an addict.

but anywho~ the point is that she hadnt been in my life enough to really know what was going on; like i said i DID drink a lot, but after puking in my wig, i pretty much stopped drinkin. Fuck i dont even stick  around work long enough after i clock out to get my shift drink.

and the A&X, well it was derby week. and Derby week in the top-grossing bar in louisville~ 

IS A FUCKIN SHITSHOW

from May 1st to May 6th i worked 70 hours.

i shit you not. There was no way in hell that i was gonna be able to function at 100% without energy and sleep.

True Story.

Now, had I been poppin 6 bars a day and chased them with Patron & XXXXX was around to see this, I wouldve COMPLETELY respected her telling me that i have a problem. 100%.

But when you havnt made ANY effort to contact or talk to me in MONTHS and then decide to just roll up in and start flinging accusations at me with minimal or no proof, im sorry~ no. that shit dont fly.

blah blah blah~ She asked me to try and cut back on my drinking and drug usage. i told her the drinkings not a problem,  but with my schedule being as rough as it was its probably not gonna happen that next few weeks. But, i could easily cut down and/or quit once derby was over.  And i did, I havnt taken a xanax or adderall since then. She decided that we should "take a break" for 2 months but keep in touch.

Ok cool! im down for that! so its all good....for a few weeks.

When i hear (ok lah, READ) we'll take a break but "keep in touch", I assume that we will still be in contact during this break, nothing huge~ just a few hey how are yous, how was your day and things of that nature. Correct? Well i must have been wrong because for about 3 weeks i tried to contact my friend-keep in touch-as it were, only to not have my phone calls answered and my text messages ignored.

did i fuckin miss something???

So then we text argue and i just say look~ you just need to tell me if you want to continue to try and be friends or not, so that i can either keep trying or walk away.

It was pretty clear that nothing as of now could be done, so i told her to walk away.


If she cant believe that im  not an addict, then i cant have her as a friend. 


It sucks and im not happy about it, but thats life. And if she ever wants to try this again she has my number.


so yeah. 


lotta shit eh?


WELCOME TO MY LIFE YA'LL! 
ITS FULL OF CRAY!


but yeah thats about it. 


And after venting i feel a lil bit better. so if i seem distant or whatnot, you now have reasons why. 


Truthfully, im not a bad person, im not mean or angry, or an addict.


Im just, too caring, too nice and too stubborn.