Dear John

Its been about 10 months or so since John and I officially broke up. if i remember correctly, we were semi-broken up this time last year. his head was telling him to let go but his heart didnt. i was the same way.

So i think I'm finally ready to blog about the whole situation, since a lot of people actually want to know what happened.  Im not gonna put in  all the details, just the basics. I am in no way trying to put his business out there, or gain any sympathy. I simply need to blog this to get it out of my head 100%.

I will say that i am probably 99% of the reason why we broke up, so im not gonna candy coat anything or turn stuff around to make me look like the victim, cuz i brought this upon myself.

Silly boys

so the guy I was talking to finally got back to me.

He finally gave me a reason as to why he stopped talking to me:

"Nothin about you, I'm sorry that this happened cuz I realized I couldn't deal with a relationship. I have to work on myself and get stable. I'm coming back to nothing and I have to focus on myself. I didn't mean to be cold but I would rather end it then to mislead you. I think you are a good person and that's why I ended it like this. I would have really been cold to keep the relationship going knowing I couldn't handle a relationship. I hope you can understand. I never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry."


Ok.


I'm pretty sure thats the most cliche reason ever, but I'd rather have a cliche reason than no reason at all.


I really just dont understand why guys think that a girl would rather just stop hearing from them vs, getting some type of explanation.

For myself personally, I would much rather have an explanation just so that I can know what was on your mind so that I dont have to sit around wondering what the fuck has gone on to suddenly make me go from the most awesome person in your  book to something that just gets disregarded one day like it was nothing.

the only time i will ever accept a full and abrupt stop in all communication between myself and a male is if I wasnt really feelin you in the first place and if i felt that you were simply beating a dead horse trying to talk to me.

and on another note-- If you feel like you cant handle a relationship and didnt want to "string me along" why would you get into a relationship to start?

Its one thing to be in some type of relationship limbo where youre pretty sure youre better off ending it, but something is telling you to try just a little bit more like when John and I were going through this:


i loved you yes

past tense?

i'm not going to say present cause i'm not gonna drag you along not knowing the future

But with John and I we legitimately had no idea what was going to happen with our relationship.

(yeah i still have every facebook message,chat log, and skype session that ever happened while John was deployed archived on my external harddrive.)

But its a totally different thing to know the situation youre in pre-relationship knowing that its probably not going to change, and to then let a girl really start to fall for you, when you know that youre just gonna break it off!

I mean what kind of sense does that make???

NONE!! THATS WHAT KIND!

and whats really bad is that I REALLY thought he liked me too. hmph. go figure.

and i'm sure some of you are saying "he did like you kiara! he really did!"

Well, if he really liked me, he a) would never have let this happen like it did. and b) it wouldnt have taken him damn near a week to finally answer me as to why he just stopped talking to me.

and dont pull that "but he said he was sorry!" bullshit on me.

I finally understand why John always hated when I would say im sorry to him; Saying your sorry doesnt change the facts.

You hurt my fuckin feelings; feelings arent skinned knees or bee stings, a simple I'm sorry wont make me feel better.

But I am glad that he gave me some type of reason. I no longer feel as anxious as i did before. so thats good, but its still pretty shitty considering that I really did like this guy.

But its whatever; Either he'll see what he let go of and come back, or he wont care and I'll fade into his subconscious and become the face that he sees in 15 years when hes trying to get it up to fuck his wife whom he lost feelings for after their 3rd kid.

Either way.

so I'll leave you with a quote that John said to me that just may be the best thing he ever said to me:

all i can tell you to do is suck it up, you can do better than me and you can't say no unless you try

Youre right John. I can, and I will.

100 truths

BASICS:
001. Real name → kiara nicole davis
002. Nickname(s) → kay woww, kdave, booboo, k-dog 
003. Age → 22 im so oldddddd
004. Zodiac sign → aquarius
005. Male or female →Female
006. Elementary School → mill creek
007. Middle School → johnson middle
008. High School → butler trad.
010. Hair color → black
011. Long or short → i wear wigs so it changes
012. Loud or Quiet → both
013. Sweats or Jeans → jeans
014. Phone or Camera → phone with a camera
015. Health freak → sometimes
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → yes...ive been crushin on my jboo since i met him lol
018. Eat or Drink → BOTH
019. Piercings → too many
020. Tattoos → one
021. Water or Fire → air
022. Love of your life or 4 Billion Dollars →can i have both? im real cute, how can u say no to this face.

FIRSTS:
023. First fear → SPIDERS
024. First best friend → courtney dickenson
025. First award → .....perfect attendance i think?
026. First crush → fuck i dun remember
027. First pet → MAXINATOR!!
028. First big vacation → Disney World & universal studios when i was like 8
030. First big birthday → omgggg i got a  fuckin limo when i turned like......7? or sometin, I WAS BALLIN!

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → nothing...
050. Drinking → water
052. I'm about to → go to sleep
053. Listening to → jacinta lol
054. Plans for today →work
55. Waiting for → payday

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? →no time soon, but eventually yes
059. Want to get married? → YES!
060. Careers in mind → make up artist, professional partier

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
068. Lips or eyes →both
070. Shorter or taller? → i dont really care
072. Romantic or spontaneous →spontaneous!!!
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → both.
074. Sensitive or loud → both lol
075. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship<333
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → trouble fuckin maker.

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → oh yea
081. Ran away from home → yeah
082. Hold a gun/knife for self defense → nah
083. Killed somebody → Not yet
084. Heartbroken → yessss, its terrible
085. Been arrested → yes actually
087. Cried when someone died → yup

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → if i dont who will?
090. Miracles →  yes
091. Love at first sight → hmmmmm.......kinda
092. Heaven → yes
093. Santa Claus → lol no
094. Sex on the first date → .....is it a hookup or somebody u wanna have a relationship with?
095. Kiss on the first date → yup

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → yes, I'd love to have BOTH of my J-boys John and Justin, but i cant have john with justin... nor justin with john...sooooo yeah

098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → yea~im alright.
099. Do you believe in God → I believe in something
100. Post as 100 truths and tag at least 5 people

So much going on

I are alive!

so, life has been really crazy for me right now, but the main thing that really got me down was my relationship with John ending.

I'm not going to post exactly what happened on here because a)its a long fuckin story and b) because its nobody's business, but I will say that it was hard on both of us, and we are trying to remain friends. I still love him and I will more than likely always love him, but we're both better off like this.

♥

but anyway!

So~ I went to Twisted and got a new piercing! Thank you Terry!  ♥ ...but I took it out after like 4 days lol

gettin ready to get pierced!

AHHH SHIT

fuckin needle face

and after!

It was really cute and all, but i just couldn't deal with it, it made basic things really hard. it shouldn't take me 5 minutes to brush my teeth.

I also dyed my hair back to black. I liked my hair being light, but its so damaged from.....everything, and I had like 4 inches of black roots, so I decided to just put a rinse in it.

Back To Black

excuse my derp face.

AND WHILE PLAYIN OREGON TRAIL SOME DICK STOLE FIVE OF MY OXEN!!!

  FIVE

I WILL KILL YOU!

O! And i bought a new pair of sunglasses~ Juicy of course...

F.T.D

and a random picture of me in Khols~ I'm pretty sure this is a picture for bad gals lol

I miss posts like these

also, doesn't look like this is ever gonna happen

 theres still a tiny chance though. 

and I'm counting on that tiny glimmer of hope...

DANCING WITH TEARS IN MY EYES

How can things go from "getting better" to "I can't do this anymore" so fast?All I wanted to do was be honest with you, like you asked me to be.I just dont understand. 
You said you werent "my life, but a part of it", do you understand that you were such a huge part of my life? 
I'm sorry for the lies, the worries, the sleepless nights, for turning you into somebody you didnt want to be.
I never intended for that to happen.
Never.

☆☆☆
here we go  welcome to my funeral  without you i dont even have a pulse  all alone it's dark and cold  with every move i die   here i go  this is my confession oh  a lost cause nobody can save my soul  i am so delusional  with every move i die   i have destroyed our life,  it's gone  payback is sick  it's all my fault   I'm Dancing With Tears In My Eyes  just fighting to get through the night  i'm losing it  with every move i die   i'm fading  i'm broken inside  i've wasted the love of my life  i'm losing it  with every move i die   when did i become such a hypocrite  double life, lies that you caught me in  trust me i'm paying for it with every move i die   

on the floor im just a zombie 

who i am is not who i wanna be  

i'm such a tragedy with every move i die  

 i have destroyed our life,  it's gone  payback is sick  it's all my fault   I'm dancing with tears in my eyes  just fighting to get through the night  i'm losing it  with every move i die   i'm fading  i'm broken inside  i've wasted the love of my life  i'm losing it  with every move i die   this is it and now your really gone this time  never once thought i'd be in pieces left behind   I'm dancing with tears in my eyes  just fighting to get through the night  i'm losing it  with every move i die   i'm fading  i'm broken inside  i've wasted the love of my life  i'm losing it  with every move i die  

Mountains, Cabins and BEARS!

So this may be a weeeeee bit early too be blogging about, but I'm just  so freakin excited!

So I've been talking to John and trying to convince him that we should go on a vacation of sorts. maybe do something for our 1 year anniversary in May. Ive had my eye set on Disney World  for like...forever. But John told me that he's not a huge fan of theme parks, ( I know right, what kind of crazy is that?) and that he would rather do something simple and quiet.

So I scratched the Disney World idea. In all honesty, DW would be a tad expensive for a 22 and 23 year old; I mean, we'd have to fly down there (or make a crazy day long drive), and get a vacation package and blah. blah, blah, plus, I would personally like to stay in one of the fancy hotels, and even if I booked a value resort, John would be all " get what YOU want." and since I'm 80% sure he'd be insistent on paying for it, just no.

Disney vacation from May 6th, 2011- May, 10th 2011 WITHOUT A FLIGHT OR CAR RENTAL

$1,681.40

this includes

• staying at Disney's All-Star Movies Resort
• 5-Day Magic Your Way Ticket with Park Hopper® and Water Park Fun & More
• Magic Your Way Package Plus Dining

now lets add plane tickets and car rental

with plane tickets (round trip) $2,143.00

and with a car rental (because id like to go to the beach too ^^)

$2,407.47

yeahhh. thats a 4 day/3 night stay. And I know we could get a hotel outside of Disney world and eat out instead of getting the dining plan...

BUT ITS MY OUR ANNIVERSARY DAMMIT!!! SO FUCK YOU!

Anyway, so i looked into something cheaper, simpler, and closer to home. So i thought maybe Cincinnati, St. Louis, or maybe a cute little B&B somewhere in town. 

and then it hit me--

GATLINBURG!

its close, its cheap, its secluded, and romantic!

I spent a few hours looking online at cabins and such and i found Cabins for you in Gatlinburg! 

I read a bunch of reviews and saw only maybe 2 or 3 negative reviews out of like 165? I would say those are pretty good odds right?

I looked under the $100 or less per night cabins because we wont be there for more than say 2 nights, which is the minimum, and found one that I loved

.

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tadah!!

Hello Mountain Romance!

ok lah, I know its not Buckingham Palace, but its only $99 a night!

I didn't really want anything crazy fancy. Just something with a nice view, a hot tub, a jacuzzi, and a DVD player. Its equipped with:

• 1 queen bed
• 1  Sleeper

• Smoky Mountain views

AMENITIES

• Hot Tub
• Wood Burning Fireplace
• Jacuzzi Tub
• Rock Fireplace
• Paved Parking
• Big Screen TV
• DVD Player
• Charcoal Grill
• Rocking Chairs
• Hair Dryer
• Fully Loaded Kitchen
• VCR
• CD Player

 Its also close to Pigeon Forge and Downtown Gatlinburg, so if we choose to actually leave the cabin, we can do stuff!

but here's more pictures of this beautiful cabin! OMG IM READY FOR IT TO MAY!!

the view

view plus the hot tub

WHAT A CUTE KITCHEN!

living room

HEART RUGS!

The cutest bedroom ive seen in a while!

the jacuzzi and the flat screen

So yeah! I cant wait for John to come home so we can set this up and everything. I think this would be really nice to do in the fall so we could actually use the fireplace, but John gets deployed again in September, but not for very long. So maybe if we like this, we can start doing these trips more often!

Starrbuck & Nikki

ok lah, so im a total creeper who screen caps anything on my boyfriends wall that pertains to me~ so this is basically our relationship via his fb wall lol... in relatively chronological order

Lol, our first actual conversation on facebook

then i got sick. like i had a really bad cough and he came out at like 1am to get me cough drops! not only that!!! but he didn't just drop them off and leave~ he hung out with me for like 3 hours~ and got my Plague lol

LULZ lampreys

 BEST INSIDE JOKE EVER!!!

lampreys are dangerous fish~ DO NOT FUCK W/ THEM

o and about the bunny lol~ We would have dumb contests that he always won lol, so i asked him if he wanted a prize. of course he did lol so I gave him a bunny that i doused in Betsey Johnson perfume.

 Then he had a hellishly long, shitty day and came to see me after words...for like 20 mins lol

and then we went to see Iron Man 2

on the ninth of May~

then went to my friend harpers house where I took my most favorite picture of him EVER:

then later that night when i got home~

TA-DAH!!!

and the rest is history

or something like that